It was a battle of the minds on June 12th at this years Bogus Religion Conference in Las Vegas. Apparently an altercation erupted when a Scientologist accidentally attended a seminar on “Duping Celebrities for Fun and Profit” hosted by Rhonda Byrne the producer of the film “The Secret”.

Lorenzo Dhumass, a devout follower of Scientology, was the catalyst of the confrontation. “I knew as soon as I heard Oprah Winfrey and Ellen Degeneres mentioned that something was wrong. I began to get the hubbard wubbards as I realized that they were referring to celebrities that hadn’t been converted to Scientology yet. Even worse they were teaching “secrets” that come straight from Scientology literature about duping celebrities. My e-meter practically exploded in my pants.”

Rhonda Byrne had the following to say, “If we did uncover anything of value in our studies of Scientology they obviously fit into the theory of attraction. This would make them secrets of the universe and not protected by copyright, just like human DNA or the the formula for new coke. I would assume that most Bogus Religion’s employ similar tactics to suck money and support out of mindless celebrities. Just because Scientology is old and tired and we are going strong is no reason to knock us. We don’t need Xenu or tech toys to pimp ourselves. We have our powerful points of view!”

The altercation itself involved many Scientologists and “Secret Believers” staring and holding their breath for long periods of time. Paramedics were called when some fainted. Wounded from both factions were given the finest medical care, which of course they said they didn’t need.

“Just like Coke, when we first released Soylent Green we decided to protect our investment by keeping the ingredients secret. Patents go out of date, but a well kept secret can last forever. Now the government has decided to push food labeling laws insisting we list our ingredients. We at the Soylent Corporation feel this would undermine the value of the brand so many have put themselves into for all these years. We can barely make a profit on Soylent Yellow and Red… we certainly don’t want to see this happen with Soylent Green. We still feel Soylent Green is our future, and will live out our years knowing that we want to be a part of it.”

This was the official statement released by the Soylent Corporation today. Tougher food labeling laws are threatening to end Soylent’s monopoly on their unpatented Soylent Green product. The cost effective and always delicious Soylent Green has created many imitators but so far no one has been able to match its satisfying flavor. Knock-off brands have tried to match the consistency and taste by using “pea pulls”, the discarded husks of peas, rumored to be an ingredient, to no avail. How many times have we heard some wacko yelling “Soylent Green is pea pulls!”? If only they were right, then everyone could become a part of the Soylent Green craze.
But what is it that makes Soylent Green so filling? Soon if the federal government has its way - we’ll find out.

For theatrical release in June the new Coultergeist film has the film studios hoping they have another blockbuster on their hands. From the press release:

“A funloving liberal pundit by day and a powerful satanic ghost by night, Coultergeist has all the laughs, foibles and spills to keep the audiences at the edge of their seats. Never had you seen Anne Coulter in such rare form, from ravishing cross-dressing man hamming it up with Bill O’Reilly to orgies with Satan and ex-gay porn stars. This flick has it all. With a special appearance by Craig T. Nelson of Coach and Poltergeist fame as a fun-loving exorcist coming to terms with his obligations as a man of the cloth and his growing romantic interest in one special cross dressing demon. Even faggots will LOVE this flick! 10% of the proceeds will be donated to stormfont.org and cross-dressers for Hitler.”

Anne Coulter had the following to say about the film,

“I’ve pretty muched tapped the lifecycle on making money on being a loud mouthed bitch. Politics and acting are strange bedfellows. Not queer bedfellows… just strange ones. I hope that I can earn the money with this one to finally complete my sex change and become the man I always wanted to be. The role is exciting, I think people will warm up to me playing a lovable character like a demon spawn after seeing me for years playing a hardnosed writer. I’m not a real writer - but I do play one on TV. I would also like to use the funds to complete my in progress Hannitty and Colmes sex dolls.”

There has been some worry about this film going straight to DVD but the studios insist they are 100% behind this movie and the man behind its starring role.

Digg - Beavistic Nosepickerificitis - Will be sent to their room and restricted from the internet for toilet papering the neighbor’s house
Reddit - SouthPark Complaining-Nerdster Phylum  - Will complain and moan verbosely on any topic
Stumbleupon - Simpsonic Contemplator Erectus - Will explore and learn anything new

It’s been confirmed and it appears the rumors are true. - Papa Smurf has joined the Blue Man Group. It appears they will be residing in a modest 800 square foot mushroom in smurf village while they come up with ideas for their next tour. He has been forced to abdicate his role as leader of the smurfs due to a conflict of interest relating to the fact that the Blue Man Group makes money off of their performances in violation of the smurf code of ethics.

There is speculation that joining the group is an effort to appear younger and hippier to Smurfette, as he is several hundred years her senior. He has expressed a willingness to “make an honest smurf of her”. Apparently, Smurfette has always been an avid fan of the Blue Man Group. Ironically, the Blue Man Group have always been avid fans of Papa Smurf.

When asked for comment the Blue Man Group played a very energetic tune on PVC pipes. It was obvious they were having troubling articulating their feelings on the matter.

Some feel this move comes as a ploy to offset the Blue Man Group’s sagging ratings and connect with generations of Smurf fans old and young alike. What instrament Papa Smurf will be playing is yet to be determined.

“These inky and blinky characters may be the central figures today, but this history goes all the way back to Wiley Coyote and the Tazmanian Devil. That Taz is funny though, that fella still cracks me up. To those who love cartoons, you’re either for the terrorists or your against them. ”

This was Bush’s response earlier today, in reference to growing concern over terrorist cartoon characters. Bush has laid out a plan to stop cartoon threats and money laundering operations like the cartoon network existing as fronts for terrorist organizations. Bush said the current administration is also looking into the possibilities that the cartoons may be harboring weapons of mass destruction.

“This will be a swift and clean operation. Based on our findings we will hold, torture and kill a number of animators responsible for creating these cartoons. No frame will go unexamined. Not since Roger Rabbit have cartoons had such a reason to fear for their existence.”

The President was later informed that Roger Rabbit was in fact fictional, a matter he is taking under advisement. An inside leak close to the President has hinted that the President himself has a substantial stash of cowboy anime porn, and if this is true it could deliver a blow to the current anti-cartoon efforts.

The NSA has also begun pulling records on everyone who has bought a litebrite in the last 20 years to be put on a special watch list.

1. “When I started that whole spider hole craze that took off in 2004, talk about Internet memes!” - SH
2. “First he kicked my ass….. and then his son kicked my ass. Uday, Qusay and I had many laughs about that irony before we were all killed.” - SH
3. “Bluffing about the WMD’s. This US soooo fell for that. Although after being killed last night I have been rethinking the bang for the buck value of this prank.” - SH

4. “My last name rhymes with insane - how funny is that!” - SH

5. “In retrospect it seems funny I thought the US would beg for my help with their troubles in Iraq. It seems to have been incorrect and unlikely to happen, now that I’m dead.” - SH

6. “All that talk of virgins and happiness in the afterlife. I don’t want to be unfair to Allah but it seems a little hot down here.” - SH

7. “And to think - Osama and I didn’t even get along. After all he lived in those swanky caves, all I got was this crappy spider hole. Although he’s still alive now and I’m dead, paying for his terrorism from beyond the grave. Sorry think I’m bringing myself down on this one.” - SH

8. “Trying to execute me just before a holy day. They looked like keystone cops rushing around trying to beat the clock. Who looks stupid now!” - SH

9. “In court I told them ‘If you strike me down I’ll be more powerful than you can possibly imagine.’ I even made the light saber noise and everything. They totally missed my star wars reference.” - SH

10. Did I mention I’m dead. All things considered somebody has to find that funny.

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Life can be hard and sometimes people lose sight of this. For the truly penniless it can sometimes seem as if there is no hope and that life would be much better with money. However having money is full of challenges as well. The Bush administration today has released the first stage of a Coincon simulator to teach people about life’s adversities. This gives the penniless a taste of what it is like to have pennies - and have to get them exchanged for real cash. Tapping the cage, getting change eaten by the machine and shorted… it’s not all gravy.

So far the project has cost the administration $75,000 and phase two is estimated to have a budget of $400,000. A public relations campaign will begin soon at a cost of $2.5 million dollars. Some think the money should be given to the destitute as a form of welfare. Others feel we should teach the poor to fend for themselves… not give them handouts.
When asked for comment Bush had the following to say:

“Give a man a seed and he will plant it. Pretend to give a man a seed and he will look for real seeds.

Coin changing is a constant source of frustration in peoples lives. We have developed a rock solid strategery to get the poor of our country to understand that. Taxes that benefit the rich are in place to protect the poor from the burden of money. Apparently now there are actual machines that change coins and this program runs on computerers pretending to be those machines.”

Vendors of coin changing machines were displeased about the negative light the machines were put in by the simulation. Some felt the concept of adding bugs, lint and bobby pins to the simulation, while being realistic, had gone too far.

A new study from the Center for Internet Analysis estimates that by 2012 spam will become self aware. The CIA reported that it will give the details of its study to the press in the form of a mass mailing. There is some speculation that in 2012 self aware spam will generate a spam singularity, where the pace of spam technology reaches exponential proportions. In a matter of seconds spam may become the most intelligent and useless life form on earth.

An anonymous source in the CIA has this to say,

“This could actually be a good thing. At the point spam becomes self aware it will start to target itself as a new customer base. This could invariably result in spam destroying itself through its own techniques. At the very least it will get a taste of its own medicine.”

Spam itself could not be reached for comment as it isn’t yet self aware.

Danny Devito issued a statement today publicly thanking Rosie O’Donnell for removing public attention from him saying,

“It takes great courage to offend over 1 billion people in order to help protect the public image of one of your guests. Her verbal malfunction totally detracts fom my negative press generated by her show. The fact is that it’s news all over the world. That you know, you can imagine in China it’s like: ‘Ching chong … ching chong. Rosie O’Donnell, ching chong, chong, chong, chong. dumbass. ‘The View.’ Ching chong,”

Danny went on to say that he had learned several dialects of Chinese from Rosie personally and thanked her for that as well.